Size is relative

Last night, I went to a friend's get together. There were 5 of us (I hate being the only single gal amidst couples!) so the conversation flowed freely. At one point, one of the other women ended her comment to me by saying "well you're tiny anyway". Huh? Me, tiny?

In order to understand why I was surprised, you'd have to know my life-long struggle with weight and body-image issues. I was a chubby yet active child, with a body that family members referred to as 'solid'. In middle and high school, I wore the largest uniform on our cheerleading squad (except for the girl who had to get her uniform custom-made, b/c the company didn't make them in a size big enough for her). Somewhere between 11th grade and freshman year in college I seemed to have either grown into my body, slimmed down, or both. I look back on my pics from that year and don't remember being as small as I appear to be.

But my struggle didn't just revolve around size. Shape has always been a determining factor. Along with taunts of having thunder thighs, being rolly-polly, and the like, I was teased with the saying of "BMW" (body made wrong). I had strong, muscular thighs from being athletic, but I have never possessed the typical black girl's butt or hips. The most hurtful thing someone has said to me was that I was shaped like a white girl. Not because there's anything wrong with the way white girls are shaped, but negative comparisons to another ethnicity seem to hurt the most (if you've ever been accused of 'talking white', you know just what I mean).

Fast forward to 2004. I had come to a place where I was comfortable with and truly admiring of my body. Sure, I have rolls just like anyone else, but I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I know what my flattering aspects are, and I have learned to camoflague the ones that aren't so flattering. So imagine my dismay when I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). My doctor prescribed a low-carb diet and a regimen of Glucophage (an insulin sensitizer that allows the body to respond more normally to insulin secretion, thus lowering blood sugar levels). He also strongly suggested that I lose 20 pounds.

Its been very difficult, to say the least, to motivate myself to lose weight when I am finally in love with my body, flaws and all. Of course there are days where I wished I wore a size 6 instead of a size 12... but those days get fewer and fewer the more I come to appreciate myself.

So after hearing that I was chubby all my life, it is still surprising to hear that I'm 'small'. This just goes to show that size is relative. Some women look at me and think I'm small, whereas others see me as bordering on being a big girl. I've come to realize that we do this to ourselves because it is the nature of our society. In order for it not to hurt, a woman has to be secure in all her flaws and strengths and be okay with the judgment of others. If a woman's self-esteem and sense of self were founded on the approval of others, it would be an ever-changing thing indeed.

I say whatever size you're at, love you for you. Self-love is one thing that will never be relative.