In defense of the independent woman

It seems that our discussion of the independent black woman continues.

Anonymous said:

3. as BW we have made money the one thing that is often lacking with our brothers the main requirement to establish a relationship. if a man does not have money he is not worth your time and these men singing such songs are now seeming to say the same. material things have nothing to do with maintaining and sustaining a healthy loving friendly relationship between someone and anyone who thinks otherwise probably deserves to be alone.

Anon, in your estimation I deserve to be alone.

There are several points of discussion I'd like to glean from your words. First of all, I don't understand the sweeping generalization "any person who thinks x, y and z deserves to be alone". Not necessarily singling you out, because I've read it before and I'm sure I'll read it again. I can think of much stronger reasons that a person 'deserves' to be alone, such as knowingly giving their mate an STD, being a serial cheater, or engaging in domestic violence. I can't agree with you that thinking material things relate to forming relationships is a basis to be alone.

I was raised by a single mother. Not because my dad chose not to be in my life, but because my dad passed away when I was 11. My parents were divorced at the time of his death but I still saw and talked to my dad every day and he was almost as much a presence in my life after my parents split than before. Some of the personality traits he taught me were honesty, a strong work ethic, ambition and a reverence for education. I know that alot of people (I don't want to say majority of my generation because I don't have statistics, but its definitely the majority of the people I meet) didn't have those experiences growing up. We are a generation of women who did not have father figures to shape our formative years. We are also a generation who were raised to work hard, strive for whatever we desired in life and believe we can do anything. Now when you mix all those messages together, we were often told to stand on our own two feet, encouraged to believe that we must do things for ourselves, because no one was coming to 'rescue' us from economic and social problems. If it was going to get done, our sleeves were rolled up in preparation to do it. Because our fathers weren't there to take care of things for us.

I definitely remember what it was like to have a man in the house. There was a level of security that my mom and I had, a measure of self-assurance that everything would be ok. We were not middle class at all; in fact, I could only participate in one year of Girl Scouts because we couldn't afford all of the associated costs. Add to that fact that my mother's parents lived with us, which is the case in so many families. But my dad made everything work. He worked two jobs when he had to, and we never lacked for any essentials. He spoiled us in other noneconomic ways, but he was in no way a subservient, emasculated, selfish man. He wore the pants unquestionably. But along with those pants he did not shirk his responsibilities.

I said all of that to say -- when you don't have that, you learn to do it yourself. And my heart goes out to all of us who were raised without men, because now we have to learn to find space in our lives for men to take care of these things. The quandary we face is that alot of men aren't like that. For whatever reasons they weren't raised that way or choose not to live their lives in that way. So we're making space for a situation that does not always exist.

For me, its not about money. Its about mindset. If I can go to work everyday, be expected to run a household and take care of my husband and children, you don't get brownie points for being a 'good black man'. That's what you're supposed to do. If my dad, an immigrant to this country, a man who didn't know English when he got here and only had a technical school education, could take care of us, be the head of our household, be a strong figure in his children's lives and instill in us those lessons we needed to learn, then I don't see why men of my generation, who've had more opportunity, can't do the same.

I meet men all the time who have money. Its not about a salary to me but what you want out of life. I'm not content with the 9-5 rat race and want to instill in my children the same values that were instilled in me. I want them to believe in God, in themselves and know how to treat people. But there are alot of men who don't see that. Its all about a paycheck, those same material things that black women aren't supposed to want, and commitment-free sex. Or, I meet men with no ambition or drive at all, who are struggling to get by and who don't desire to improve their situation. They don't have the practical skills to head a household and are not working to acquire those skills. Why would I subject my future children to that mindset? How can a man take care of a family, when he isn't taking care of himself and his own matters? I don't bank on a man's potential, but what he's doing today. If you're working toward a life that will support a family, then of course I would support such a man. But I don't put stock in hot air or 'coulda woulda shouldas' either.

Anon, I know your comment wasn't directed at women who think like me. You were speaking of women who look at a man's clothes, shoes and vehicle as dating criteria. I understand their mindset too. Again it goes back to a man providing a certain lifestyle (it doesn't have to be a lavish one, but to me a man is supposed to provide) and if he doesn't want or provide certain things for himself, and a woman is already at that level (now if she isn't that's another story) then why should she bring him up to her level? Why should she be the provider, the breadwinner? The black community seems to be the only one where the man is given a pass for being at a lower economic level than the woman.

My issue with those songs is not that they're saying "if a man does not have money he is not worth your time". For one thing, they're not saying that, I don't agree with you. They're saying "let the woman work hard and spoil me. The only thing she can expect from me, since she works so hard, is a stiff one". Just look at the lyrics I highlighted in bold in that post. We can agree to disagree on that one. And what's worse is that they're influencing young, impressionable girls to not have expectations, to believe that they're supposed to do it all alone and its not ok to want a commitment.

What stuck out to me in your quote (and I couldn't tell if those words were a summary of the book you mentioned or your own mindset) was "material things have nothing to do with maintaining and sustaining a healthy loving friendly relationship". You're absolutely right. Material things have nothing to do with that. Me and my best friends don't center our friendly relationships on material things. My platonic male friends and I don't even mention them. And we've already discussed the 'friends with benefits' situation. I'm not looking for another friend. I'm looking for a husband, for a man to share my life, my children, my finances and my dreams with. It seems like nowadays single black women are condemned for having standards, for requiring black men to provide more than conversation and that good jug. Why is that? Why is it so wrong to want a man like my dad, like my grandad?

It seems like we're damned if we do, and damned if we don't. If we've learned to stand on our own, work hard and realize that we can't lean on non-existent men, then we're independent, materialistic, and deserve to be alone. If we proclaim that we want a partner, we have standards and expectations for the men in our lives and we aren't settling for lack of commitment and drive, then we want too much and still deserve to be alone. We can't win, and I've stopped trying to adhere to someone else's standards. Men like my dad aren't rare; I've just come to realize that they're no longer in the majority. And that's unfortunate but that's what I want. What we all deserve.