Friends Don't Have Benefits

In our discussion of the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident, I mentioned that I don't watch the news and why. I also don't listen to the radio, for similar reasons. I don't want doom and gloom sneaking into my brain while I'm driving. Also, most of the time, the radio personalities are too goofy even for me (the Russ Par Morning Show comes to mind), or they ask questions that don't really have solutions, or at least the discussion doesn't solve anything (like when Michael Baisden talks about black men dating white women).

So imagine my surprise as I listened to the radio this morning on my drive to work (working on Saturday gets a major boo!). I thought my ears deceived me when the first song was announced as "Wayne Brady singing F.W.B.". I just knew it couldn't be that FWB.... right? Wayne Brady? Talking about friends with benefits? What?

Yep. Wayne Brady, talking about friends with benefits.

One line particularly stuck out to me: "You could still do your thing and I'll do mine".

Strangely, this put me in mind of my last job. I worked for a temp agency on a long-term project. I was there for about a year. I worked the same hours as the regular employees, attended meetings, office parties, etc. But at the end of the day I wasn't the same, because I was a temp. This included not getting paid for leave time, no medical insurance, and an at-will status that frequently caused me anxiety. In short, I was there to fill a temporary need but I had no employee benefits.

The same way friends don't have benefits...

Think about it. Friends with benefits status is usually conferred in three situations. In one situation, you start out as platonic friends, then somewhere along the line you develop a mutual attraction that lands you in bed together. Only, you're not really friends with the guy anymore. You have relations sometimes, you have half-hearted conversations because you used to talk. But your friendship erodes and when the 'benefits' are gone, so are you. In the second situation, you meet a man you're interested in pursuing a relationship with. He kinda likes you too (but not at the same level that you have feelings for him) but 'is not ready for a relationship' (which, to me, is manspeak for wanting to find something better). So you stick around, being his girlfriend substitute, until you wear him down and he gives in (very rare) or you finally get the hint and depart with your tail between your legs and your heart in your hand. The third situation is where, you either meet a man and are physically attracted to him, or elect a man you know to the FWB slot. Upon mutual agreement you embark on a mutually satisfying (hopefully) sexual relationship that actually has no friendship basis at all. The only reason for contact is to do the do.

Let's think about this for a second. The FWB situation is attractive for those who don't want any 'strings', or any commitment to the person they're sleeping with. They want the cow for free, as grandma would say. Or, they want sex and companionship (the actual vaguely friendly part where you spend time and participate in activities together) but, again, no commitment. Or, one person wants commitment, the other doesn't, so the commitment-minded party settles for whatever parts of the other they can get. Or... the parties just want to stimulate each other's genitals with no intellectual or emotional interaction at all.

Just like a temp, the 'friend' is there to fill a temporary need. But they don't essentially have any benefits. Sure, sex is a benefit, but not worth the emotional sacrifice. I found that, after engaging in FWB situations, I was more reluctant to get to know men for potential relationships. After all, I could have an instant boyfriend substitute and fully understand the terms of the agreement upfront. I didn't have to wonder if the guy liked me (he did, at least enough to get aroused) and if he'd stick around (he wouldn't). I knew exactly where things were headed, and thus had a relative degree of control of the situation. (Yes I was lying to myself). But an actual relationship... man, that's tricky! You have to figure out if you're compatible, have the same goals in life, hell, have the same goals in the relationship, etc. And face rejection if you don't meet the man's criteria. Why go through all that when you can have some easy booty? But at the end of the day, when the terms of the contract have been met, you're at square one with nothing to show for it.

I've never engaged in an FWB situation with someone I was romantically interested in. But seeing friends go through it, I know the agony a woman feels (and the time she wastes) as she waits for a man to be ready for a relationship, and that readiness never manifests. At least, not with the FWB. Because, really, he was just being a 'friend' until the woman he wanted appeared. On top of that, the woman has to get over the man in the same way as if they were in a real relationship. That's even more time wasted only to end up at square one again. Some women think this is unfair, get angry, get upset and all that. But honestly, you knew the terms of the agreement upfront and agreed to them, no matter if you told yourself the relationship would develop later. Like me with my previous job, the woman in this situation is anxiously awaiting a decision of permanent status that is rarely delivered.

Where's the benefit of giving of yourself - your body and/or your heart - without a man giving of himself to you? Let's be real, men giving their organs are not the same as women giving their cookies. The most obvious reason is that you have to let him in to your body. That in itself is an unequal giving and requires more on your part than on his. And, again, the woman ends up at square one (except in situations when women really and truly don't want a relationship, with the friend or someone else).

My answer: be true to your desires. Don't lie to your 'friend' and yourself by agreeing to an FWB situation when you really want more. Because the only person benefiting from that situation is the man. As hard as it can be, especially when you've been single for a long time, or really like someone, be strong and hold out for what you really want. You're far more likely to get it if you're looking for a real relationship, instead of giving your 'benefits' to someone who doesn't give you the status you deserve.