Open Letter to my Single Sista

My Dear Beautiful, Single Sista,

I wanted to write you this letter today because you've been on my mind lately. I've been thinking about you because I, too, am single. So I know what its like to walk a step, a mile, and beyond in your shoes. There are so many messages of discouragement out there for us but today I wanted to send you a message of encouragement.

I'm not going to repeat any of the cliches that people generally deliver to you - you've heard them all. And if we're around the same age then I know, by this point in your life, that you're tired of hearing them all. I also know you've had enough of the well-meaning but misplaced intentions of coworkers, friends and family who don't understand how you feel. They've been paired up for years and don't know what its like to date in the information age. They can't relate to the disappointment and frustration of online dating, of being courted via email and text message, or of attending parties and events in order to 'put yourself out there'. I know that that gets old, and sometimes you feel like there's no longer a point.

I know what it feels like to be lonely. Girlfriend I know that sometimes you just want to stay at home, watch tv on the weekends, and not have to worry about constantly putting your best face forward to the world. And part of this letter is to let you know that someone feels your pain. Because when you look around, sometimes you don't see that. When the sweet old lady at church tells you to keep praying, to hold on and wait for the Lord, yet her man is there, I know what that feels like. When your girlfriend who always has a man - you know the one - tells you to stop sweating it and do you, girl I know what that feels like. And when you think about your dreams of companionship and children, yet don't see how in the world its going to become reality, you should know that I feel that too.

This letter isn't about faith. I'm not going to suggest you pray, work out, go out, asked to be set up, or post any online profiles. This letter is strictly about you.

Now remember I said I totally know where you're coming from, sista. So from this mutual place of singlehood, my encouragement for you today is for you to live the best life you can. Use this time to really love YOU. Not to prepare for a man, not to lose weight for a man, not to get your credit straight for a man - but do whatever you do simply for you.

I think the problem that we face is that we look outside ourselves too much. Instead of focusing on how we feel, on the now that is in front of us, we dwell on past relationship mistakes and hopes for the future. Sometimes we think about the present - but only to notice that the person we are hoping for has not yet arrived. And repeatedly doing that to ourselves is making us miserable.

So sista, I advocate for you to stay home and not force yourself to go out, if you're not feeling it that night. But really treat yourself to a night in. Paint your toes, take a bubble bath with your favorite product, watch your favorite movie (my fave is the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice) or a movie you've been dying to see (and maybe don't want to admit to anyone else that you Really enjoy you. Be the best lover you can to yourself. Ok ok ok... I said I'd stay away from the cliches, but that one is really helpful for us, if we truly understand what it means. If we get so wrapped up in being good to ourselves, thats less time to dwell on being lonely.

And when you do go out, don't focus so much on going places to meet men. Lets start going to those places we've been dying to go to, like a new club or restaurant that we've been eyeing. Lets not wait until someone takes us, lets start taking ourselves. And everything doesn't have to be a girlfriend outing either. Sometimes two single gals together will drive each other up the wall. Like I said, do what you want for that evening. Don't always feel like you have to have a friend or a crew with you. Take yourself to dinner, a movie, a play, or even a club (with safety in mind). Because whether you meet the guy of your dreams or not, it'll be a shame to look back on this time when you're older and wish you wouldn't have wasted it. All we really have is now, so lets start living in it.

I hope this helps sista. Take care and treat yourself better than anyone else can.



Kourt said...

I love this post, I feel like you're speaking to me. I'm feeling the pressure of being single because everyone in my family seems to be getting a hurry. But I'm realizing I love my single life, I can go wherever I want and when I want without having to confirm plans with a significant other. I'm beginning to think it's just a case of "the grass being greener" because I'm pretty sure if I was in a relationship I'd be envying all the single people.