No more Mr. Nice Guy

I'm back for the second time... life happens sometime and prevents me from posting as much as I should. I'm adjusting to my new job, and my schedule is constantly changing. But as much as I can be here, I'll be here.

Anyway... I've been composing a response to the tragic events that happened to the Hudson family. I also wanted to wait until the buzz died down from the Obama campaign victory. Its not that I wasn't excited; I don't think there were many people (besides McCain supporters) who weren't. Its just that the blogosphere and all media outlets were inundated with Obamarama. So I felt that I'd ride the wave out and continue the black woman's journey to self-esteem and our own unique standard of beauty outside of that. I have to note, however, that the black woman's image has improved exponentially with Michelle Obama's ascension to First Lady. I hope that new, positive image becomes permanently etched on America's collective cornea.

The topic of this post, as I was saying, grew out of the Hudson family tragedy. I noticed that alot of the comments directed at Julie Hudson's supposed poor judgment criticized her choice in men. Don't get me wrong; I join most who wholeheartedly believe that a mother's responsibility to her children is their protection, first and foremost. And I see where the lack of vetting skills in choosing a mate can permanently affect the health, welfare, mental and financial stability of children involved. But what I don't understand is how the black community can fail to recognize its own hand in this tragedy. People were so quick to blame Julie for choosing to be with a criminal monster... but where's the blame for the monster? That's one of the hardest mantles that black women face - we seem to be the scapegoats for errant black male behavior, no matter what we do. If we had only done this or that, the outcome would have been different. I say, why not blame the person who actually did the thing, instead of the victim, the person who is perceived to 'let' it happen?

That's not to negate Julie's part in the tragedy - choosing to be with a man who has a criminal record should not be condoned - but how many black women are urged to 'give a brotha a chance' (I'm sure y'all know by now I hate that mindset)? No matter what wrongs the brotha has formerly committed? No matter what state he's currently in, no matter his goals and ambitions in life, or his willingness to actually commit to a long-term or permanent relationship? If the black woman would only help prop a tired, trifling brotha up... if only she would look at his potential and give him time to develop into the responsible, committed, enterprising man he is *supposed* to be... if only she would recognize the heavy burden of racism that has weighed down his actions in life (even though black women carry that same crushing weight, along with the equally heavy burden of sexism, that black men often inflict on us as well)... and, often, if only she wouldn't be uppity and choose a black man outside of her socioeconomic status, just because he's black... black women wouldn't be lonely/single mothers/unmarried/fill-in-the-negative-blank...

Oh, that's right, we're not supposed to blame anyone but the black woman.

Another surprising contender in this blame-the-black-woman game has emerged (surprising to me, at least): Mr. Nice Guy. If only the Julie Hudsons of the world would stop choosing Thugs and Bad Boys over the Nice Guys, they say, atrocities such as their family experienced wouldn't happen. If only black women would stop overlooking these Good Black Men, the state of our community would be so much better, they say. Maybe its just me, but I feel that Mr. Nice Guy Black Man is a myth, a figment of the black community's imagination. If I'm wrong, then where is he?

Because for every Good Black Man, there is a Good Black Woman who does not date Thugs or Bad Boys. For every Good Black Man who is crying into his Xbox or Playstation controller at night, there is a Good Black Woman (or 2...or 3) who's tired of being alone. There are two things I see with men who claim to be Mr. Nice Guy: they extend absolutely no effort in pursuing women and they are not really that nice. I'll address the first point here, and the second in Part Two of this post.

There was an article in a recent issue of Essence magazine (the issue with Beyonce on the cover) that caught my eye. I can't remember the title of the article, but it was written by a black man who claimed to be a Southern gentleman. In the article (I didn't read it... Essence is on some bull and hasn't received my money in years), the author shared his woes as a Good Black Man who gets overlooked. Maybe I'm being insensitive.. maybe I'm making generalizations.. but if that isn't a load of crap, I don't know what is. GTFOOHWTBS..

I'm sorry sistas, but some of us have low standards. I don't care how gorgeous, accomplished, talented, or financially well-off a sista is, you will see a black woman with a man you perceive to be below her level and think "how'd he get with her?" In our fear of being alone (which is constantly nurtured by the black community's urgings to 'give a brotha a chance' and only date black men) we accept men who are not only incompatible, but who don't really have a black woman's best interest at heart. The only ones who really care about a black woman's chances at finding a healthy relationship are, for the most part, black women. But we put our desires, and ultimately, our hopes for successful relationships, on the back burner in order to Have A Man instead of having the man that's right for us.

So when I see men like the author of the Essence article bitch and moan about being overlooked, I don't feel sorry for them. I joke that all a black man has to do is go outside... he doesn't even have to iron his clothes - he'll find a black woman who'll iron them for him and make him a sandwich while she's at it. To me, the real issue is not that these men get overlooked - but that they get overlooked by women they consider to be 'dimes' or the creme of the supposed crop. The women who are the female equivalent to the Thugs and Bad Boys they blame for their loneliness. To these men, they overlook the Good Black Woman and only have eyes for the Hot Black Woman.. and then blame the GBW and average sistas when they didn't have time for us in the first place. For example, a few years back, Essence ran that same type of article written by a financially successful black man. In the article he noted his accomplishments in his career, some of his material possessions and the fact that he's a 'mover and shaker'. Then, on the same page, he wrote about his frustration with meeting women who were only after his money. But those were the types of women he repeatedly chose, and then had the gall to blame us for his singlehood. That doesn't make sense to me - if you constantly pursue women who are into material things, you can't get mad at those women because they want your material things. That just doesn't add up.

On the flip side, I know several men who claim to be Good Black Men, who put absolutely no effort into meeting women, then express bitterness toward black women for not choosing them. Call me old-fashioned, but when did this expectation of pursuit fall to black women?? What kills me about it is, black women who pursue men are accused of being emasculating.. again, we can't win for losing and this is another situation that turns out to be our fault. I know at least 3 men who never go out, who put no effort into how they dress or into grooming themselves to be noticed by women. When I point out that they are black, live in DC, have advanced degrees, above-average salaries and are attractive, highlighting their chances of dating success if they would just go outside (see joke above..lol), they pout that that's too much work. They refuse to enter the dating game and play by its rules. They also have stringent criteria and only want to meet certain kinds of women, no matter how much effort they extend to do so. When this happens, then another Good Black Man has been overlooked. When it happens to a black woman, then sistas need to stop being so picky and get out there and meet men.

Sorry, but I don't buy it.

What women admire in Thugs and Bad Boys is their ability to be bold, to make the first (and subsequent) moves, to literally charm the pants off them and provide a feeling of security. Sorry fellas, but women don't admire timid men. If you don't pursue women, if you wait for women to notice you, of course you'll get overlooked because there are other men (regardless of good intentions and criminal backgrounds) who have the balls to go after what they want. If a man packages himself for meeting women and proceeds to show women attention, he will get that attention returned. If not by a certain type of woman, then by other types. Blaming women who don't return that attention is a waste of time and contributes to the situation I describe: men who are bitter toward women who are out of their league, who have removed themselves from the dating game altogether. That is not to say that women don't play a significant role in the dating game, but most of us accept that role and know how to play it.

Every black man who I'd label as a Good Black Man is off somewhere, actually being good to a woman. They're married or in committed, long-term relationships, being honest and loving to their women and present in the lives of their children. That is how I measure the level of goodness in a black man, not by his level of fiscal responsibility or his lack of a criminal record.

(Stay tuned for Part 2, where I'll discuss how Mr. Nice Guy is really not that nice.)