http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/features/dating/blog/2008/09/on_independence.html
Like someone else I know (whistles, looks around), Jeniece over at Single is the New Relationship remarks she's been slacking on her blog lately. But she returns with an interesting question. She initially as if being alone is really that bad, but it morphs into a question about independence:
When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? ... [is being alone] just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?As black woman, a bell went off in my head. The question of single women being too independent seems to be a constant complaint. A cursory search reveals pieces on the subject in advice columns and church blogs. And I remember having a conversation with my uncle once, in which he declared that while he was an equal opportunity dater, in general, he said he felt he had to prove himself to more black women than others.
But it seems the question isn't just limited to black women; other advice columns and dating message boards also take up the question of single women's independence.
The shift in gender dynamics does make dating more complicated. And I do think that some women do become too independent, too skeptical of others to have a successful relationship. But I would say the same thing for some men, too -- they are too comfortable in their bachelorhood to make room for someone else.
But that's my two cents. What do you think?
Hmmm... what I think is that, in some ways, the independent stance is taken as a band-aid for emotional pain. The times when I've said "I don't need a man", "I can do bad by myself", etc etc, have stemmed from disappointments in my love life. More specifically, not interacting with the type of men I feel I'm worthy of; not being seen as the phenomenal beauty that I know I am; and not wanting to put my feelings on the line, in fear that they'll get trampled.
But we've all been there. I think the growing independence of men comes out of the same place: of not finding exactly what one is searching for. Instead of searching and searching for his ideal woman, a man will learn how to cook, learn how to keep house, and in the end, instead of continuing to put himself out there, will fall back on sexual relationships until he's ready to continue the search.
So how do you break the vicious cycle? I name it vicious for those of us who don't really desire remain single, but use the independence stance as a safety blanket. From my personal experience, being honest with yourself about what it is you really want is the key to finding that relationship. Because let's face it... our internal biology wires us to want other people. And I honestly don't believe we're meant to be alone, but that today's society supports that situation.. especially for black women.
How many of us get scoffed at when we admit that we want marriage and a family? Part of it comes from being honest with yourself, but other aspects include the courage to not care what others think (i.e. pulling away from the 'bad by myself' pack), the perserverance to keep playing the dating game when faced with less-than-stellar prospects, and the tenacity to not settle for what it is you really want. In the end, we'd all be much happier if we were true to our own hearts.
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