Looking for a guy like dad

We are still in the New Year's resolutions phase of 2009 (*guiltily looking over at my gym bag*). With the continued hope of reaching new goals, we are more and more creative with the ways in which we are keeping ourselves motivated. On the relationship front, I've seen themes online such as "Make him mine in 2009" and "The Year of the Ring". My own motivational thoughts have turned along the "don't talk about it, be about it" track. Since I don't like going outside in the cold I'm putting energy into online dating sites.


I met a guy last night for coffee from one of the aforementioned sites. Now, there are a few things you should know about me, which frustrate my friends to no end: I'm picky; I can be fickle to new people; and I'm impatient. In my dating life, this plays out as men not getting beyond the first email, first phone call or first date with me. Sometimes its frustrating, and sometimes I doubt my own methods, but in the end I feel that my selection standards prevent me from spending time with men who don't measure up to the type of guy who I'd like to share my life with.






Case in point: The guy I met last night (we'll call him Congo since that's where his family is from) has been texting/chatting with me for about a week and a half. I wasn't pressed to go out with him, because he kept saying how busy he was. He constantly had friends come in town that he had to show around. Which is fine - but I'm not going to inconvenience myself to meet someone else's schedule, especially when the effort is not returned. I also realized, though, that the longer we went without meeting that the likelihood of meeting would decrease. So last night would have to be the night, as we were both busy with inauguration events in the upcoming days.


He wanted me to come out after an after-work event he was invited to; I wasn't pleased about that. He also wanted me to choose a place to have coffee, which is fine, but I was having trouble selecting a place that I felt comfortable driving to, that wasn't too far out of the way for either of us. So by the time I got there, I was a bit frustrated, although I did luck up and find an excellent parking spot. While we were chatting online, he said "I think your smile's pretty and you are very sexy". Which would've been flattering if it didn't indicate where his mind really was. When I said I would be avoiding inauguration/tourist traffic this weekend, he asked "does that mean we'll spend the weekend together bundled up under the covers trying to avoid the inaugural traffic?" (I made it very clear that I did not find that appropriate.. and of course he was 'joking'.) Bear in mind, when I tried to meet up on Sunday, he said he'd be busy. Right.


The mean, selective, fickle part of me said to not go, close the Firefox window, do not pass go, do not collect $200. After all, we'd only had a few conversations and he came at me like that; he wasn't trying to work with me on the meetup (ok, he was a bit, but not like I wanted him to..). Fact is, I should've listened. The other, nicer, give-the-benefit-of-the-doubt part of me went anyway. The only consolation I take is that I knew what time it was before I went and I didn't expect to be impressed by him. This wasn't a defense mechanism, but more of the way I saw him after that conversation. I had already made up my mind, and once my mind is decided how to feel about a person, they must really impress me (or royally screw up) to change my mind.


So we met. And he was short, probably 5'7", as I thought from the angle of the pics he took. He said I looked different than my pics, which I tend to do for some reason. I think he said that because I wasn't excited about his appearance. He dressed very nicely and was handsome, but I wasn't beside myself with excitement... nor did I think he was hot. I probably wouldn't have, even if I hadn't already decided that he got the thumbs down. He proceeded to talk about himself ad nauseum and I was kinda bored. As we went to our cars, and he got in his Mercedes, I just felt... blank. It was a chance meeting of a stranger, and more likely than not, I won't get to know him.


As I drove home, I replayed the chat conversation and meetup in my mind. Why was it that this man, who looks great on paper, who any sista would be flattered to receive his attention, not arouse any type of reaction within me? Then the lightbulb of my mind flicked on. When people say that women look for men like their fathers, its very true.


I found this to be true about myself while watching the first Presidential debate with my bff. I was glued to the screen and wondered aloud "where are all the men like that?" It wasn't just the way President-Elect Obama spoke, the way he gestured, the way he dressed. It was the way in which he commanded attention, his cool assurance of self, his thorough knowledge of his subject and the way in which he respectfully and calmly stood his ground. It made me think of my dad. My dad was the kind of guy who didn't say much, but you knew not to try him. He kept is word, he did what he said, and we never worried about difficult situations. Dad was on it. He was a very hard worker and provided not just economic stability to our family but an emotional and moral foundation that has stayed with me into adulthood. My father passed away when I was 11; sometimes, I tremble to think of how my life would have been different if he were still alive. But I digress. As I watched our future president, and drew parallels between him and my father, I realized why I rarely meet men who arouse those same feelings of respect and admiration within me.


Simply put, alot of men aren't about anything. They try to impress you with what they say, instead of what they do and who they are. Its much easier to wear nice clothes, manage your finances to purchase a luxury car, and travel to classic destinations. Its much harder to actually be a man of substance, to strive for a place in life that's off the beaten path, and to respect and cherish the women you meet.


So in my own way, my rigid selection process assures me that I surround myself with men who treat me in a manner that I am accustomed to and should be treated. Now, my dad wasn't perfect; he had issues like anyone else, and as an adult I can look back on my parents' marriage and see where the cracks lay. But at the end of the day, he's the type of guy I want in my future. I'm immensely grateful to have had that example in my life, and confirmation that what I want is not unreasonable.