Set your own value

BFF on the left, me on the right

As I was about to write the standard of beauty post for today, I realized that I didn't actually wish you guys a happy New Year. Charge it to my head and not my heart! I really feel like 2009 will be a great year for many of us. I'm looking forward to great things!

My best friend and I went to a New Year's Eve gala to ring in the new year. We had SO much fun.. the champagne was great and we jammed to 9 different live bands. Last year, I went with a group of friends from law school and had a blast, so I invited her to attend with me this year. I got there about 20 minutes before she did so I found a table, got a drink and watched people walk by. I was very pleased to see sistahs turn out in larger numbers than last year, and turn out so elegantly dressed. We were definitely radiating beauty and poise, the way that black women instinctively can. I also noticed that there were numerous bw/wm couples there, which made me even more pleased. In fact, there were more black women there with white men than black men. I also observed that there were more black men there with white women, than with black women. Of course, there were sistahs who were inappropriately dressed.. (come on now, who wears jeans to a gala?!?!) and I noticed that they didn't have dates.. but I digress. I was just glad to see black women at the event.

While I waited for my friend, a black woman and her white boyfriend asked if they could sit at my table. "Sure," I said. They looked very much in love and it was really nice to see their public displays of affection. I love when others are in love, that happy feeling somehow rubs off on me and makes me smile. Its why I enjoy chick flicks and those 'love conquers all' endings. Anyway, I noticed that they both had accents - I figured out he was French and she might have been from an African country. Which got me to thinking about how many of my married friends were raised in other cultures? I'll definitely post on that later, as I think there's a good lesson to be learned in that.

At one point in the evening, I pointed out to my best friend my observation about the interracial couples at the event. Y'all, why did I do that?? Instead of commenting on black women and their dates, she became preoccupied by the black men there with white women. Now, sometimes we like to comfort ourselves with the idea that black men who date out choose white female partners that are not attractive. That definitely wasn't the case there. The more attractive a brother was, the more attractive his white woman was. Which I actually appreciated.. because it wasn't about any white woman, but one who would give any woman from any race a run for their money. I don't believe any woman of any race is more beautiful than any other based solely on race - just because you're white, does not mean you're more attractive than me. I'm gorgeous but I don't think I'm gorgeous just because I'm black.. I'm gorgeous and I happen to be black. But again, I digress.

As an example, there was a tall, fine black man standing by our table with his date. You could tell that they had just arrived and were scanning the room to figure out where they'd situate themselves. I commented on the design of the (white) woman's dress, and that the cut of the dress was very flattering to her shape. But BFF didn't see any of that.. she saw a black man who dated white women. "That kills me," she said. "He looks like that type, too." I looked at the couple, and at first didn't understand what she meant. "What kills you, what type?" I asked. "He's with her," she said, gesturing at the woman. "So what?" I asked. "Who cares? If he dates white women, then he dates white women. No point in sweating it. I'm obviously not on his list so why even pay him any attention?" She just shook her head, and sipped her drink, her eyes glued to them all the while.

I'm a believer in the law of attraction - you attract what you focus on. And wouldn't you know, at least 3 other bm/ww couples came and stood near our table? With the arrival of each new couple, she became more and more upset, mumbling about the lack of black men, "them" taking our men, and how it sucked. At first I thought it was a bit amusing - no one cared except her, but she was too wrapped up in her complaint party to notice. But after the second couple, it became annoying and I tuned her out. I was too busy people watching, enjoying the colors of the dresses, planning my dress for next year, enjoying my drink, swaying to the music. Why did she take it so personally? Why didn't she notice the black women who dated out, instead of the black men? And why did their choice have anything to do with the men who chose her?

The most that I can gather is that she attributes her own beauty and worth to the choices that others make. Isn't that why black men who chose white women bothered her? Because, consciously or subconsciously, she felt that every black man who found a white woman beautiful basically denied her beauty by doing so. I think she would feel the same if black men chose women who were slimmer than her, lighter than her, etc. I didn't want to ask her about it, because I didn't want to 'go there' with her, meaning pushing my ideas of beauty and value on her.

But then I started to wonder why I wasn't bothered by the bm/ww couples. Why did I smile when I saw a bw/wm couple? Why did I find the couple at our table to be so sweet? Why is it that I couldn't care less about how I measure up to other women, especially white women? I think a large part of it is my strong ego. I mean, on paper I look like alot of black women today - in my late 20s, educated, progressive, ambitious, blah blah blah. There are things about my physical beauty that I celebrate and feel are exceptional - my beautiful eyes and my radiant smile top the list. I'm attractive, intelligent, opinionated, ambitious, qualities that add up to a great catch. Because of the high value I assign to myself, I don't take it personally when a man directly or indirectly doesn't choose me. When choosing between a Lexus and an Acura, some people prefer the Lexus while others prefer the Acura. Still, others would pick a Camry or Accord instead because the payments and insurance premiums are cheaper. That doesn't take anything away from the Lexus, its just as valuable.

I set my own value, and am happy to observe when men, regardless of race, recognize the high value of other black women. If a man chooses a woman of another race, no sweat off our backs, and I choose not to dwell on it or emotionally respond to it because it diverts my energy from the things I do want to see. For me, its as simple as that. I recognize, however, that its not that simple for other women. Until we set our own value, and learn to divorce our emotions from situations that have nothing to do with us, we'll continue to attract into our situations men who don't see the value we have.

The only part of all this that I struggle with, is how other women don't see their own value? How other women continue to settle for less, to see themselves as less, to accept the first man who comes to talk their value down (i.e. haggle so they won't pay what the woman is worth)? That's the part that frustrates me, but no more. I decided today to be an example of my theory and not continue to talk about it. When I'm happy in wedded bliss, then maybe others will begin to understand where I'm coming from.